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我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)忘記上八年級(jí)時(shí)那個(gè)改變了我整個(gè)人生的日子,。那天走進(jìn)教室時(shí),，老師對(duì)我們說(shuō)：“我們要重新排一下座位，你們每個(gè)人都要寫下兩個(gè)你想挨著坐的人,，和兩個(gè)你不想挨著坐的人的名字,。”

事實(shí)悲哀地證明,，班里幾乎沒有人愿意坐在我旁邊,。不過(guò)仔細(xì)回想一下，這也沒什么好奇怪的,。當(dāng)時(shí)科技創(chuàng)業(yè)風(fēng)潮和超級(jí)英雄大片還沒有火起來(lái),，在那樣一個(gè)時(shí)代，像我這樣的科技宅男無(wú)疑是同齡人眼中的另類,。雖然我當(dāng)時(shí)缺乏社交技能,，但我用對(duì)科學(xué)的熱愛彌補(bǔ)了我的“缺愛癥”。

我曾經(jīng)想過(guò),，如果我能利用科學(xué)研究的成果幫助我社交的話,，說(shuō)不定我還是可以交到一兩個(gè)朋友的。時(shí)至今日,，也就是20年后,，我已經(jīng)成了一名人類行為學(xué)家,，同時(shí)我還是“影響者晚宴”（Influencers Dinner）活動(dòng)的創(chuàng)辦人——這場(chǎng)私人晚宴活動(dòng)，目前已經(jīng)吸引了800余位有影響力的人士參加,，其中包括諾貝爾獎(jiǎng)得主,、曾榮獲大獎(jiǎng)的知名演員、著名音樂家以及王室成員等,。

社交經(jīng)常意味著你要走出你的舒適區(qū)。有時(shí)你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)自己處于十分尷尬的處境,。但是一些重要的人脈所帶來(lái)的好處也能讓你一生受用,。如果你天生不善交際，這也不是什么大問(wèn)題,，你可以用科學(xué)理論指導(dǎo)你的社交,。

現(xiàn)在就為大家介紹一些我個(gè)人親測(cè)有效的社交技巧，我曾經(jīng)利用它們建立并維系了長(zhǎng)久的人際關(guān)系,。

1.捫心自問(wèn)：你是否是一個(gè)給予者,？

沃頓商學(xué)院知名教授亞當(dāng)·格蘭特曾經(jīng)指出，世上有三種人：給予者,、索取者和匹配者,。給予者樂于幫助別人，并且不求索??；索取者只求索取，不思回報(bào),；匹配者給予的與索取的一樣多,。

格蘭特想知道哪一種人的人生最成功。他的發(fā)現(xiàn)令人十分震驚,。給予者既是最成功的,，也是最不成功的。最成功的人知道在給予的同時(shí),，如何避免成為被千人踩萬(wàn)人踏的墊腳石,。他們懂得在給予的同時(shí)，如何推動(dòng)自己的個(gè)人利益,。

要想建立人際網(wǎng)絡(luò)和社交圈子,，你要變得比大家此前的想象更加慷慨才行。所以下次有陌生人請(qǐng)你幫忙,，你不妨慷慨地答允,。如此一來(lái)，你可能會(huì)變得更加成功,。社會(huì)學(xué)家馬克·格蘭諾維特發(fā)現(xiàn),，所謂的弱人際關(guān)系（比如熟人）給我們帶來(lái)的工作資源,，要比強(qiáng)人際關(guān)系（如好友）多出58%。正是因?yàn)槿跞穗H關(guān)系有這樣強(qiáng)大的效用,，所以LinkedIn才會(huì)成為一個(gè)如此成功的求職網(wǎng)絡(luò),。

2.敢于開口求人。

僅僅因?yàn)槟闶且粋€(gè)給予者,，并不意味著你就不能請(qǐng)求別人的幫助,。如果你想和某人建立交情和信任，不妨好好利用一下“本·弗蘭克效應(yīng)”,。他在自傳中分享了一個(gè)化敵為友的故事,。弗蘭克并沒有刻意迎合對(duì)方，而是請(qǐng)求對(duì)方幫自己一個(gè)忙,。事實(shí)證明,，一個(gè)人如果為我們幫了忙，他們反而會(huì)更加喜歡我們,，或是愿意在我們身上花費(fèi)更多的時(shí)間和精力,。

研究顯示，如果你要請(qǐng)求別人幫忙,，一定要記從小忙到大忙循序漸進(jìn)地提出來(lái),。如果對(duì)方給你幫了個(gè)小忙，就等于他們?yōu)槟銈z的關(guān)系投入了一定的精力,，從而他們會(huì)將你視為值得進(jìn)一步投入時(shí)間和精力的人,。

3．別那么不自在

將自己置身于社交情境中，有時(shí)會(huì)讓人覺得很不舒服,。有時(shí)你的表現(xiàn)可能很糟糕,，但這并沒有什么值得擔(dān)心的。其實(shí)大家并沒有你想象得那樣在乎你——這一論斷已經(jīng)被康奈爾大學(xué)學(xué)者托馬斯·季洛維奇所證實(shí),。這種現(xiàn)象又稱“聚光燈效應(yīng)”：如果某件事讓你感到驕傲或感到很不安全,，你就會(huì)以為很多人都在關(guān)注著這件事。然而事實(shí)上,，在你以為很關(guān)注你的人中,，只有一少部分人會(huì)真正關(guān)注這件事。也就是說(shuō),，人們大都忙于自己的事情,，可能分不出心來(lái)關(guān)心你。

4.培養(yǎng)好奇心,。

上世紀(jì)90年代初,，喬治·勒文施泰因提出了一個(gè)“信息缺口”理論，它解釋了什么是好奇心,，以及好奇心的運(yùn)行機(jī)制,。根據(jù)這個(gè)理論,，面臨新的信息時(shí)，我們的知識(shí)和新信息之間就會(huì)出現(xiàn)一個(gè)缺口,。如果這個(gè)缺口太大,，我們覺得很恐懼（比如天體物理學(xué)）；如果這個(gè)缺口太小,，我們又會(huì)覺得很無(wú)聊（比如“你好,，我的名字叫鮑勃”）。只有處于兩者之間,，這種信息缺口才會(huì)激起好奇心,。如果這個(gè)缺口不是太大也不是太小，它就會(huì)對(duì)人產(chǎn)生吸引,，讓人形成好奇心。這種好奇心就像一處非搔不可的癢處,，除非得到滿足,，否則它還會(huì)一直癢下去。

如果你和某人第一次見面,，不妨想辦法激起他的好奇心,。比如，如果有人問(wèn)我：“你從哪里來(lái),？”我會(huì)說(shuō)：”我來(lái)自美國(guó)東北部的一個(gè)小島”,。過(guò)幾秒鐘我會(huì)補(bǔ)充道：“曼哈頓，你聽說(shuō)過(guò)嗎,？”

每次你做自我介紹時(shí),，都要盡量想辦法使它變得更有趣、更吸引人,。

5.善于利用新鮮感,。

一個(gè)人如何才能給人留下難忘的印象？一個(gè)人如果泯然于眾人,，自然會(huì)被人遺忘,。唯有具備新鮮感，才能給人留下難忘的印象,。所謂新鮮感,，就是與眾不同。研究人員尼可·班扎克和埃姆拉·都扎爾發(fā)現(xiàn),，人類大腦中有一個(gè)部分叫做黑質(zhì)致密部/中腦腹側(cè)被蓋區(qū)（SN/VTA）,，它會(huì)對(duì)新鮮感做出響應(yīng)，并會(huì)判斷某種體驗(yàn)有多新鮮和不同,。也就是說(shuō),，如果你想被人記住,，就要想辦法變得與眾不同。

你的與眾不同之處,，既可以是你的衣著,，也可以是你講述的故事、你分享的知識(shí)或你提出的問(wèn)題,。我每次都喜歡穿一件個(gè)性十足的服飾,，有時(shí)是大紅色或藍(lán)色的褲子，有時(shí)是領(lǐng)結(jié)或背帶褲,。它不僅能成為交談的開場(chǎng)白,，而且也暗示，與我互動(dòng)會(huì)是一件很有新鮮感的事,。

本文作者Jon Levy是一名行為科學(xué)家,，主要從事影響力、人際交往以及冒險(xiǎn)等領(lǐng)域的研究,。他也是“影響者晚宴”活動(dòng)的發(fā)起人,。他的新書《凌晨2點(diǎn)法則：探索冒險(xiǎn)的科學(xué)》（The 2 AM Principle: Discover the Science of Adventure）已于近日出版。在這本書中,，他分享了一些以如何過(guò)上有趣和令人興奮的生活為主題的科學(xué)與故事,。（財(cái)富中文網(wǎng)）

譯者：樸成奎

審校：任文科

I will never forget the day in eighth grade that changed my life. I walked into my homeroom and my teacher said: “We are going to reassign all of the seating, but each of you are going to secretly submit the names of two people that you want to sit next to and two that you don’t.”

Through a series of unfortunate events, I discovered that almost no one wanted to sit with me. In retrospect I’m not surprised: I was a geek in an era before dotcom billionaires and superhero blockbusters, but what I lacked in social skills, I made up for in a love of science.

I thought that if I could apply scientific research, maybe I could make a friend or two. Now, 20 years later, I am a human behavior scientist and founder of the Influencers Dinner, a private dining experience attended by more than 800 influential people ranging from Nobel Laureates and award-winning actors to famous musicians and members of royalty.

Networking often means getting out of your comfort zone. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself in awkward situations. But, you could also make some of the most important relationships of your life. If you aren’t a natural born networker, that’s okay. You can look to science to help you navigate.

Here are a few techniques I’ve used to network and forge lasting relationships.

Ask yourself: Are you a giver?

Famed Wharton professor and researcher Adam Grant examined three types of people: givers, takers and matchers. Givers help people without any expectation of getting something back; takers ask for favors without giving anything in return; matchers give as much as they take.

Grant wanted to know which group ended up finding the most success in life. What he found was startling.The givers were both the least and most successful. Themost successful knew how to give without becoming doormats. They know how to give while simultaneously driving their own personal interests.

Developing a network and a successful community may be more a factor of generosity than previously imagined. So next time a stranger asks you for a favor, it might be a good idea to say yes. You might be more successful as a byproduct. Researcher and sociologist Mark Granovetter found that weak ties like acquaintances are 58% more likely to be the source of getting us our jobs than strong ties like friends. The idea of weak ties is even why LinkedIn has been a successful job network.

Ask for favors.

Just because you’re a giver doesn’t mean you can’t ask for favors. If you want to connect with somebody and develop trust, leverage the Ben Franklin effect. In his autobiography, Franklin shares a story of how he turned an adversary into a friend. Instead of pandering to him, he asked him for a favor. It turns out that doing a favor for someone will cause us to like them more or be willing to invest more time and effort into them.

Research suggests when you ask for favors, make sure that you stack them from small to large. By getting a small commitment from people it has them invest effort into your relationship having them see you as someone worthy of their time and attention.

Don’t be so self-conscious.

Yes, throwing yourself into social situations may be uncomfortable. You’re going to mess up sometimes but, don’t worry about it. People probably don’t notice as much as you think they do. This was proven by aresearch study led by Thomas Gilovich and his students at Cornell University. The phenomenon known as the spotlight effect suggests that if there is something you are either insecure about or proud of, you will believe there is a spotlight causing other to notice, but in reality only a fraction of people you think will notice pay attention. Truth be told, people are probably to self occupied to notice you.

Create curiosity.

In the early ‘90s, George Loewenstein proposedsomething called the information gap theory, which explains what curiosity is and how it works. The idea is that when we are presented with new information, there will be a gap between our knowledge and the new information. If a gap is too big, we will find it intimidating (e.g. theoretical astrophysics). If the gap is too small, you will find it boring (e.g. “Hi, my name is Bob”). Curiosity is piqued somewhere in between. If the gap is the right size, it will draw people in and create curiosity. This curiosity will act as an itch that needs to be scratched, and may stick with us until the curiosity is quenched.

If you are meeting someone new try to create intrigue. When people ask, “Where are you from?” I respond, “I am from a small island in the northeast U.S. After a few seconds, I add, “Manhattan, have you heard of it?”

Each time you introduce yourself, look for ways to make it more engaging and interesting.

Use novelty.

So what makes someone memorable? After all you don’t want to meet a thousand people and forget them. A large part of it has to do with novelty; things that stand out as different. Researchers Nico Bunzeck and Emrah Düzel found that a section of the brain known as SN/VTA responds to novelty and in proportion to how novel or different the experience is. Meaning, if you want to be remembered, find a way to stand out for the right reasons.

This can be the way that you dress, stories you tell, knowledge you share, or the questions you ask. I like to wear at least one thing that stands out, sometimes colorful pants in bright red or blue, or a cool accessory like a bowtie or suspenders. It not only functions as a conversation starter but it demonstrates that engaging with me will stand out.

Jon Levy is a behavior scientist best known for his work in influence, networking and adventure. He is founder of the Influencers Dinner and author of a new book called The 2 AM Principle: Discover the Science of Adventure, where he shares science and stories on how to live a fun and exciting life.